Next lesson: What is lame?

10 // 20 // 12    
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Things that are “BORING” to a saucy 3-year-old:

• Shoes that are not flip-flops
• Any non-beige food item
• Books involving happy bunnies
• Carseats
• Running errands without a lightsaber or other weapon
• Having your photo taken
• Leaving the house when Mom seems rushed
• Television shows designed for 3-year-olds
• Lego sets designed for 3-year-olds
• Costumes that don’t come with a laser blaster because Mom didn’t special order it
• Shirts with collars
• Shorts with snaps
• Going into the school classroom
• Leaving the school playground
• Washing hands “when I only went pee!”
• Getting into the bath
• Getting out of the bath
• Sleeping
• Waking
• All of the Star Wars movies except “the hot lava one that I’m not allowed to watch.”
• Mom’s no-gum-til-I’m-four rule
• Catching bread when it pops out of the toaster instead of reaching in and grabbing it.
• Drawing with anything but Sharpie markers

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Surprise!

10 // 11 // 12    
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So this happens at least a few times every day around here…

Our future Cato (“My little yellow friend, I am home!”) ducks into a shadow, waits for his prey, then pounces on some unsuspecting victim. The results? Often there are dropped bags, occasionally salty words, usually squeals of laughter. But no matter what, there is always, always a very satisfied 8-year-old boy.

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Speaking of surprises…the wonderful team at Build a Sign recently gave me some great ones. Build a Sign is the parent company for websites that cover all kinds of printing needs (MagnetsOnTheCheap, BannersOnTheCheap, SignsOnTheCheap, EasyCanvasPrints). Seriously, they do it all. EasyCanvasPrints offered to send me a canvas using a photo of my choice. My piece arrived this week and looks fantastic! The site was simple to use and the canvas quality impressive. They also printed up a new batch of my favorite Tami Taylor bumper stickers…the ones I have been giving away to readers since last year. If you missed the first batch, I’d love to send you one! Go here for details. Thanks for everything, Build a Sign!

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10 Truths About Hosting Your Daughter’s First Slumber Party

10 // 06 // 12    
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1. If tears are not shed the week before the party, you aren’t trying hard enough. If your daughter is old enough for a slumber party, you are experienced enough to know the emotional build-up to any birthday is a tragic, unavoidable reality. This is particularly true for monumental celebrations (Hello, remember your 40th?)  and especially brutal when a party warrants you to kick the husband and boys out of the house and invite a pack of girls to arrive in their place.

2. Everything must be perfect and fabulous. Chances are, you and your daughter will disagree on these definitions, but often that can help bring on the necessary pre-party tears. (Win win!) Stand your ground, wherever it may be. (My personal strategy is to fall somewhere between “Yes to the 12 kinds of sprinkles but No to the rented photo booth.”)

3. You will need a wingwoman. Preferably someone who complements and balances you out. Someone who can apply makeup, make impromptu microphones out of aluminum foil and spatulas, laugh loudly with you, and repeat quietly, “It’s fine. It’s fine….”

4. Speaking of makeup, you will need to stock up on new kits and sharpen your application skills. The natural golds and browns that fill your bathroom cabinets will have no place at this party. There will be two kinds of girls: those who want the dark, smokey eyes and those who want the bright, colorful ones. Watch out for the girls who pick the smokey eyes. Danger lurks in the shadows.

5. When the party is in full swing, there should be plenty of thumping music, but no lectures. Make peace with that right now. Even if you think you have an open mind about your daughter’s taste in music, nothing prepares you for the moment when a favorite (uncensored) song comes on and every girl belts out bitch without missing a beat. (Insert your wingwoman: “It’s fine. It’s fine….”)

6. The dancing will be silly and fun and campy for approximately 12 seconds, until a few girls (always the smokey-eyed ones) will whip out their best gyrations, hair flips and pouty looks. You will shoot photos, laughing casually and then uneasily. When one girl’s hip-shaking move turns into a come-hither, crawling-on-the-floor maneuver, you might need to leave the room and pour yourself a glass of wine. No shame in knowing your limits. (“It’s fine, it’s fine….”)

7. It is usually around this point of the party that the flash-backs/flash-forwards begin. Every moment from middle school and high school will come rushing back to you. Every sleepover, every awkward cotillion party, every Lucky Star line dance. You will see The Breakfast Club stereotypes appear before you and you will instinctively know which girl jumping on your hearth, or lounging on your couch, or contriving her body on the floor will be the Molly Ringwald, the Ally Sheedy, the Anthony Michael Hall. The future is now.

8. As the evening comes to a close, you will have to abandon your Fun Mom facade for your That Mom uniform. You might start with, “Ok, girls, seriously time to go to sleep…” and then move to “If I come out here again…” but at some point you likely will find yourself standing silently in the dark, arms crossed, hovering over a pile of sleeping bags, your mere presence threatening even the slightest giggle. If you get here without tears, you will know you have arrived. You have earned yet another Mom Badge. Wear it proudly until morning.

9. The day after is always The Day After. Both you and your daughter will be hungover like you haven’t felt since 1993. Sleep deprivation, sugar overload, post-party depression, you name it. Consider this a mental dehydration that no amount of gatorade or grease can cure. The only guaranteed solution? Trash TV and time.

10. With time will come recovery. Just like the days and weeks following childbirth, you will forget the pain and enjoy a simple nostalgia. You will wonder what the big deal was after all. Enjoy the delusions for a while because next year, mark my words, the party will be omigod even bigger and better!!

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Singing the blues

09 // 15 // 12    
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Sometimes you just need to put your truest feelings into song…

If you can’t see this video, click here.

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In other exciting video news…the videos from Austin’s Listen to Your Mother show are now online, along with the nine other U.S. cities. There is so much talent and goodness here! Pour yourself a cup of whatever, dive in and enjoy!

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On the road

09 // 08 // 12    
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The twisting, two-lane road running from summertime to schooltime is littered with countless potholes and ridiculous roadside attractions.

The Valley of Cute New Alarm Clocks, which seems novel and thrilling at first, loses its luster once everyone realizes it is only open before dawn. Both the World’s Largest Pile of Paper and the Museum of Uneaten Lunches will leave you reaching for your Dramamine.

If you’ve traveled this road before you know the alllure and pitfalls of the most popular tourist traps. The PTA Mountain Range, with its promises of glory and satisfaction, sees many a climber stumble from volunteer vertigo if they don’t watch their step. The quaint Extracurricular Activity Stands with their hand-painted signs selling everything from soccer teams to scout troops…taxes might be included, but make no mistake there are hidden costs, usually in the form of snack mom or chaperone or person in charge of sewing on patches.

Be wary, travelers. This journey, it is full of sharp turns and very few straightaways.

Even getting close to home presents its own challenges. At many an intersection there is a grief-stricken child holding out his hand and begging for your attention. The clever ones make signs: “Will Work (kinda) for a Homework Pass.” “Need Just One Ride to Practice.” “Can you Spare a Video Game Privilege?” Give him a buck if you must, but then drive on, mama, drive on.

You have a destination, and I swear it’s gotta be just around the corner.

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Elbow room

08 // 25 // 12    
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Visual proof that the road trip temporarily known as Hell on Wheels was well worth the effort once we arrived. All we had to do was give each kid his/her very own mountain.

(Click collage to enlarge.)

Happy End of Summer, y’all!!

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Get there

08 // 15 // 12    
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What’s not to love about a family road trip?

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Voices

08 // 08 // 12    
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I’m no public speaking pro. In fact, up until recently I would have preferred to get a colonoscopy in front of 3,000 people rather than speak in front of them. But sometimes life surprises you and you get to surprise it right back.

In May, one of my essays was selected as a Voice of the Year for the BlogHer 2012 conference, and I was asked to read it during the Community Keynote along with 14 other bloggers. What a thrill! The chosen essay, On Being Nine, is a mother-daughter story about harnessing the power of being nine. It’s one of my favorites, so the honor was especially sweet.

Leading up to the event, I told people that the piece was a gift to my daughter and my mother. This is very much true. But what I didn’t realize until afterward is that the Voices of the Year experience–sharing my story and voice with thousands of people–was also a gift to myself. And it was absolutely a gift I’ll never forget. I owe many people thanks.

Thank you to BlogHer for the opportunity and the virtual coaching. Thank you to my friends and family who cheered me on from near and far. Thank you to everyone who shared their own mother-daughter stories with me. (It’s pretty fantastic how many former 9-year-olds had grandiose nicknames like mine!) Thank you to the ENT doctor who tried his best to heal my laryngitis when I went completely mute two days before the conference. Thank you to everyone who said my extremely husky voice sounded cool. And finally, thank you to whoever was in charge of the Voices of the Year music. I absolutely LOVED walking out on stage to Johnny Cash! I fell into a burning ring of fire… I’m happy to report nobody went down in flames. 

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Update: The videos are now online! You can view mine here. I was honored to share the stage with such incredible talent. All of the readers brought unforgettable stories, so I encourage you to spend some time watching their videos. I especially loved the hilarious pieces by Shari Simpson of Dusty Earth Mother and Neil Kramer of Citizen of the Month, plus the touching ones by Vikki Reich of Up Popped a Fox and Dresden Shumaker of Creating Motherhood.

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Diving deep

07 // 29 // 12    
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If summer were one long road trip, we would have now reached the point when the kids start singing 999 Bottles of Beer on the Wall and I consider if we have enough bungie cords to hold them on the roof for at least a few minutes. It’s really just too hot for us to be in the car all together, you know?

Plenty of parents reach this point and hit the wall. They frantically start calling day camps in search of anything, anything new and fresh to entertain the troops. (Remember how you always wanted to learn more about sheep farming?)

They bribe babysitters to come home early from their exotic vacations. (Seriously, how much Europe can a 20-year-old really appreciate?)

Others join the exodus to higher ground in search of cooler weather, all the while praying that higher altitude means less oxygen, which means less insanity.

As the temperature rises and the calendar stands suspiciously still, others watch their convictions warp and melt like a CD left on the dashboard during a blistering afternoon. I am vulnerable to all these coping strategies, but this week I let my standards take the hit.

As a result, we have ruined countless meals with emergency snow cones. We have skipped the library and hit the bookstore because they have better air conditioning. We have watched a ridiculous amount of TV. We have purchased overpriced “indoor” toy weapons even though I banned these months ago. We have even considered amending the family rule that dictates No Naked Butts on the Couch because honestly, how can you argue when told it is too hot for underwear?

We are hanging in there. We will make our escape soon enough. Higher ground awaits! But for now, we are simply diving in, holding our breath and trying to keep our cool.

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Nests

07 // 20 // 12    
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I have had an empty nest for six days. Six glorious days of Me Time, Husband Time, Friend Time…while the kids had high-energy Grandma/Grandpa Time. I am refreshed, rejuvenated and even missing a couple of dark circles under my eyes.

And now that the kids are only a few hours from returning to the nest, they cannot get here fast enough. My insides are fluttery, my hands will not stop moving. I have stocked the fridge with their favorite foods, made their beds with crisp, clean sheets, and tidied up the entire house…even though I fully expect three tornadoes to come sweeping in the door, dumping bags, spilling drinks and throwing filthy shoes on the pristine floor.

As I pace the house, checking email and tying up loose ends, I suddenly have a new appreciation for my own parents and for every parent of grown kids. All those times my Dad calls when we hit the road heading north. How much longer now? Do you have enough gas? Did you factor in rush-hour traffic? I’m cooking steak, Punkin, and I promise I’ll make yours well done.

And a week before any trip out west, my mother-in-law asks for meal ideas, even though she knows by heart what her kids and grandkids will eat. She pulls out the Mickey Mouse waffle maker and the vintage juice glasses that seem to remind her of her own childhood. She ponders the many possible sleeping arrangements and makes sure each bed has its own ultra cozy blanket and nightlight.

All this bustling about…for kids and grandkids who may not notice at all. Who really just want to come home, hug their folks, and stand in the kitchen cracking jokes. But I completely get it. This nest that we create for our families, it’s so much more than brick and mortar.

It’s I love you, I know you, I cherish you. I am so glad you are home.

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